Xtof Russo

If there is anyone who has time and wants to help me edit/give me some tips on my essay, please comment here or add me on AIM: dankbc1

I appreciate all comments, thank you!!!

My subversive nature fueled my ideas of entering the corporate world at a young age. Last summer, I was given the opportunity to work for an online business, which sold accessories for phones, PDA’s, and mp3 players, owned by my cousin. In the beginning, I thought of it only as a way to earn money and gain some independence from my parents in both financial and nonfinancial aspects of my life. However, as I learned more and more about the growing opportunities in the business industry, I became intrigued and inquisitive about everything and anything pertaining to this new world that I had stumbled upon.

During my time employed at Oriongadgets, I learned a lot about affiliate marketing and web design. My cousin was my mentor as well as my employer and he explained to me what it took to start any kind of business. Due to my level of interest in affiliate marketing and my dedication to possibly establishing my own company someday, my cousin offered me a business proposition. If I created a website to advertise his products and increase his business revenue, he would give me commission for every product sold from my website.

Throughout the period of time that I designed the website and began advertising it, I grew in many ways and a lot of people saw the difference. These changes took place as I learned to communicate with business affiliates and began on the road to starting my own business. As I grew less and less dependent on my parents, I was given the privilege of taking the car out, stay out later, and given greater independence in my studies and college preparation. I began to understand money management and how to make time for family, friends and myself.

Although I did not earn a ton of money, I gained something invaluable, knowledge. My understanding of the business market increased dramatically and my awareness of new career opportunities has grown immensely. I matured as an individual, became independent, and formulated a goal for my future. My first job, as well as my family influenced me incredibly and catapulted my interest level in business management to a whole new level.

What is the question you’re trying to answer? it is just an open ended "personal statement" or are you writing about why you want to major in business?

If it’s open ended I would try to include some more about how this experience changed YOU, not just in the things you were able to do, but in the changes that occurred within you. Did you gain new perspective? How did this affect your goals in life? What life lessons did you learn?
If it’s just about why you want to be a business major, then I think you’re on the right track, but I would still include more about your goals and what you hope to do in the business world. What major contribution would you like to make?

I think overall it’s very well written, but the first sentence has me puzzled. How did your subversive nature fuel early entry into the corporate world? It seems like ti would be quite the opposite. A subversive would NOT want to be part of the corporate world. If this is really true, I would for you to include how you are/were subversive? I was waiting for that punchline but it never came. Maybe you were just trying to say that you did something non-traditional by entering business at a young age, but if that’s the case, subversive is not the word you’re looking for.

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